Monday, December 13, 2010

PBT :)

I'll start off with saying I never, ever wanted a child. I didn't even like kids. It wasn't due to lack of being around kids since my mom was a babysitter. Babies were cute at a distance. I avoided them using excuses like, "I don't like to hold them when they're that little" or "I'm sick/getting over a sickness". The actual truth is that I didn't want to smell their dirty diaper, didn't want to be spit up on and they always cried when I held them because they could sense how nervous/uninterested I was. Toddlers were cute. They said cute things, it was funny to watch them walk, etc. They were probably my favorite because they were too busy entertaining themselves and learning the world around them that they weren't impressed with me. I didn't have to entertain or hold them. Once they got to where they wanted me to play with them they annoyed me. I couldn't bring myself to play along with their games and use my imagination to bring the dolls to life. Well, I just didn't want to. Older than 3 or 4 and I was totally over it. They're annoying and I didn't want to be around them. There isn't enough Xanax in the world. You see the trend... couldn't stand kids and I certainly didn't want my own.

Along came PBT :). He was my ex fiance's little boy. Whether it was the love I had for Corey or the fact that I was growing up but meeting PBT was one of the more important days of my life. I was scared. I haven't been that nervous in my LIFE. What if he didn't like me? What if I made him cry? Worse, what if I didn't like HIM? You can't very well date someone whose child doesn't like you or you like the child. Ah, I remember the very first time I met PBT. He was 13 months old and it was around 930pm. I had just gotten off work and when I walked into Corey's room my stomach was in knots. I smiled at Corey but I was more interested in PB. He was laying in Corey's bed with his bottle. Corey said he was probably asleep but I just wanted to look at him. I walked over to the bed and PB was still awake. We stared at each other for about 5 seconds and I said, "Hey little guy" and he smiled at me. Since his eyes were open I figured it wouldn't hurt to see if he'd let me pick him up (didn't even ask Corey if he'd mind because I didn't care if he did or not, I was picking that child up). I know now that he probably let me pick him up because he didn't want to be in bed in the first place but I choose to think it's because he liked me in that instant. I walked over to Corey's couch with him and sat down. He looked over at Corey who smiled at him and then (like any child) he climbed out of my lap because sitting was the last thing on his mind when he spotted Corey hadn't cleaned up his toys. I looked over at Corey and said, "Wonder if he'll like me?" to which Corey responded with, "If he gives you a toy, he likes you". Less than a minute later that beautiful baby handed me his toy and smiled. I fell in love with him right then.

Over the next few months that baby (toddler) stole my heart. It wasn't annoying to play with him, I didn't avoid interacting with him, I hated when he was sick and would wish it was me instead of him. Everything I used to think about children faded away with his little smile. Just watching him learn, do and figure things out was the highlight of any of my days. Everything PB did was the greatest thing ever and I missed him so bad when it wasn't Corey's weekend with him. We would make little videos of him to watch when he was with his mother and she'd send us videos of him that we'd save to our phones. It was a way of having him with us when he wasn't there. It seemed like he got bigger every week and his mom would tell us something new to be expecting when we had him. My stomach would hurt from laughing at him. When I realized that sweet child was growing more independent I found myself wanting a baby. Corey and I became engaged in January. We discussed babies and decided it'd be best for me to be through with school before another kid happened. Until then I was perfectly content watching milestones in PB's life.

Not everything has a fairy tale ending. Corey and I split up due to differences and I watch PB grow up in a family member's pictures. He's such a beautiful little boy and I still love him like he was mine and pray for him daily. It was a short amount of time for God to bless my life with that beautiful little boy (and for his parents to share him with me) but I know He did it for a reason... and that was to prepare me for my own.

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