Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thank you.

A step in a different direction. I'm warning you- read with caution.

I do want to seriously thank the person that is the sperm donor to this baby growing inside me. Without you this wouldn't be possible.

Thank you for wanting nothing to do with my sweet Brynlee. I can say she is mine because she is. I will not have to share her. Thank you.

Thank you for making me a mother. Being a mother is the last, very last thing that I ever wanted to be. I'm glad that you were able to make a choice not to be a father because I had no choice but to be a mother. Thank you for making me realize that being a mother is going to the the absolute best thing to ever happen to me.

Thank you for causing me the most stress I've ever experienced. Having anxiety attacks when I am going to be alone in public due to your threats, when I hear a certain tone on my phone letting me know I have a nasty email awaiting from you and when I think about ever running into you. Why am I thanking you for that? Because my baby knows when her mommy is about to have a break down. She kicks me and moves all around. It's like she's saying, "Hey Mom, everything is fine. I'm here with you and you're never alone". It makes me so grateful that despite the fact that you exist, so does my beautiful baby and she wouldn't be possible without you.

Thank you for teaching me about finances and managing my money. If it wasn't for you not paying your bills and leaving them for me to pay as well as neglecting your loan that is in my name then I would still think that there was no way for me to be able to afford a child. I just want to go ahead and thank you in advance for whenever you decide to start paying your loan. Then I'll have that extra money to apply to my beautiful baby's needs. Thank you for making me watch my money more carefully because I need that skill in my life.

Thank you for helping me conquer some of my fears. Granted, the biggest fear has not occurred yet but it is inevitable. Labor, you are my biggest challenge. I have conquered extremely difficult conversations with my parents, grandparents, bosses and friends. I have conquered the fear of never knowing what I want to do with my life. I have conquered the fear of being left alone. I conquered those fears by being put in those situations where I had no choice but to step up and conquer them. Thank you for helping me realize I can do it.

Thank you for making me realize that even though you have opted out of my daughter's life someone else will not. He will want to be there for me and my child. Not be there for my child if I'll be with him. No, he will want my sweet Brynlee and will be her Daddy. He will love her more than you were capable of. Thank you for helping me to realize that she will have a Daddy that will love her like she's his and that will make me love him even more.

Thank you for making me realize how great and awesome and caring and loving my family and friends are. I knew they were great but I didn't realize how honestly blessed I am until I had to climb this huge mountain and had them behind me pushing me all the way.

Thank you for making me a better person. With exception to this blog I have kept my tongue about this. I still won't open up all the way but if it wasn't for you and this entire situation then I wouldn't know how strong of a person I am.

Lastly and more importantly thank you for making me a better Christian. I know that's odd to say. Yes, I sinned to get this incredible blessing. Had I not turned to God and diligently prayed over this situation then I would probably still have selfish prayers and only in times of need. Not to mention I would be even more of a mess had I not turned to Him. Thanks to you I learned to pray for you, for others, for comfort, to praise God and just simple "thank you" prayers more than just at night time.

Keep in mind I am not saying "thank you" with sarcasm. I fully thank you from the bottom of my heart for the lessons I learned and continue to learn. I grew up in the past few months and it's thanks to you and thanks to my child. I'm becoming a better mother for her. Had this pregnancy not happened I would still live in a selfish, meaningless, lost world. Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely love your outlook! I respect this so much and you encourage me.