Thank you.

A step in a different direction. I'm warning you- read with caution.

I do want to seriously thank the person that is the sperm donor to this baby growing inside me. Without you this wouldn't be possible.

Thank you for wanting nothing to do with my sweet Brynlee. I can say she is mine because she is. I will not have to share her. Thank you.

Thank you for making me a mother. Being a mother is the last, very last thing that I ever wanted to be. I'm glad that you were able to make a choice not to be a father because I had no choice but to be a mother. Thank you for making me realize that being a mother is going to the the absolute best thing to ever happen to me.

Thank you for causing me the most stress I've ever experienced. Having anxiety attacks when I am going to be alone in public due to your threats, when I hear a certain tone on my phone letting me know I have a nasty email awaiting from you and when I think about ever running into you. Why am I thanking you for that? Because my baby knows when her mommy is about to have a break down. She kicks me and moves all around. It's like she's saying, "Hey Mom, everything is fine. I'm here with you and you're never alone". It makes me so grateful that despite the fact that you exist, so does my beautiful baby and she wouldn't be possible without you.

Thank you for teaching me about finances and managing my money. If it wasn't for you not paying your bills and leaving them for me to pay as well as neglecting your loan that is in my name then I would still think that there was no way for me to be able to afford a child. I just want to go ahead and thank you in advance for whenever you decide to start paying your loan. Then I'll have that extra money to apply to my beautiful baby's needs. Thank you for making me watch my money more carefully because I need that skill in my life.

Thank you for helping me conquer some of my fears. Granted, the biggest fear has not occurred yet but it is inevitable. Labor, you are my biggest challenge. I have conquered extremely difficult conversations with my parents, grandparents, bosses and friends. I have conquered the fear of never knowing what I want to do with my life. I have conquered the fear of being left alone. I conquered those fears by being put in those situations where I had no choice but to step up and conquer them. Thank you for helping me realize I can do it.

Thank you for making me realize that even though you have opted out of my daughter's life someone else will not. He will want to be there for me and my child. Not be there for my child if I'll be with him. No, he will want my sweet Brynlee and will be her Daddy. He will love her more than you were capable of. Thank you for helping me to realize that she will have a Daddy that will love her like she's his and that will make me love him even more.

Thank you for making me realize how great and awesome and caring and loving my family and friends are. I knew they were great but I didn't realize how honestly blessed I am until I had to climb this huge mountain and had them behind me pushing me all the way.

Thank you for making me a better person. With exception to this blog I have kept my tongue about this. I still won't open up all the way but if it wasn't for you and this entire situation then I wouldn't know how strong of a person I am.

Lastly and more importantly thank you for making me a better Christian. I know that's odd to say. Yes, I sinned to get this incredible blessing. Had I not turned to God and diligently prayed over this situation then I would probably still have selfish prayers and only in times of need. Not to mention I would be even more of a mess had I not turned to Him. Thanks to you I learned to pray for you, for others, for comfort, to praise God and just simple "thank you" prayers more than just at night time.

Keep in mind I am not saying "thank you" with sarcasm. I fully thank you from the bottom of my heart for the lessons I learned and continue to learn. I grew up in the past few months and it's thanks to you and thanks to my child. I'm becoming a better mother for her. Had this pregnancy not happened I would still live in a selfish, meaningless, lost world. Thank you.

One hour.

I'm slightly copying someone. Ok I AM copying her, there's no slightly to it. I have no idea who she is either but I absolutely love, admire and envy her creativity. A friend of mine has some pictures posted on his Facebook of one of his friend's "Senior Show" (as he has it labeled). She wrote down every thought she had for each minute of the day for 24 hours. That's insane. I tip my theoretical hat to her. However, my attention span is too short for that so I'll just do it for an hour and instead of doing it on index cards and linking the thoughts together you'll just get to read a numbered list.

• 530pm- My toes are so cold I can't feel them. I can see them though. In a few months I won't be able to see them or feel them so someone will have to assure me they are still indeed intact.
• 531pm- I just heard my mom tell a relative that we no longer have a house phone. Thanks for telling me Mom. Guess I better get a cell phone now.
• 532pm- There is only one remote for the two DirecTV receivers that were installed today. I know where the other remote is but I don't think I'll tell them to see how my sister reacts to having no remote.
• 533pm- Dear maternity pants: Die. I'd be more comfortable in a corset.
  
• 534pm- I stayed at work 4 hours longer than I was scheduled to today. Employee of the month right here.
• 535pm- Maybe I'll just do this for 30 minutes.
• 536pm- Listening to a Cymbalta commercial. The side effects are worse than the actual ailment it's supposed to cure.
• 537pm- I missed 537pm because I was numbering ahead so I wouldn't have to do it every minute.
  
• 538pm- I just figured out how to zoom in and out on the computer screen without clicking anything.
  
• 539pm- "..and I was like baby, baby, baby, ooooh. Baby, baby, baby, ohhh..." Yes, I have a Justin Bieber song in my head.
  
• 540pm- After reading the above posting I really wish I would have chosen different lyrics because that seems a little R-rated.
  
• 541pm- Yeah, definitely only doing this for 30 minutes. A minute passes by quicker than I thought it would and this is stressing me out.
  
• 542pm- I hope my coworkers realize I was just kidding when I wrote my child's name on our dry erase board at work. Surely they know "Brynlee Sarah-Gail Gonzalez" is not really going to be her name.
  
• 543pm- I hate carbonated beverages. I get the hiccups every time.
  
• 544pm- When you become pregnant you're officially part of a secret society of pregnant women. All fellow pregnant women will want to know the details of your pregnancy and you of theirs.
• 545pm- I want a new car. Maybe I'll get a job at a car dealership so that I can live vicariously through others.
• 546pm- Parker is 2 years and 3 months old today.
• 547pm- I wonder if I can just use my same phone when I finally reenter the cellular world. I didn't have a complaint for it.
• 548pm- I wonder if Brynlee hears my thoughts? That has to be tiring and could definitely explain why she sleeps most the day. She doesn't have to hear it while sleeping.
• 549pm- Oh my God. I'll have a child to actually take care of in 15- 19 weeks. I was JUST 7 weeks pregnant!
• 550pm- My foot itches and I'm too lazy to reach and scratch it. I wonder how long it will itch until it gives up.
  
• 551pm- Hmm, I wonder if Brynlee thinks I can sing well. I haven't really considered her feelings when I've been singing along to a song in the car.
• 552pm- I love how I get volunteered to do something without prior consent from me.
• 553pm- Still can't feel my toes... and my foot still itches.
• 554pm- I wonder what job I was going to be assigned on that Tuesday I was supposed to go back to MEPS for the Navy. Maybe I could have gone to find out what I was going to be doing and THEN tell them, "oh... by the way, I'm pregnant. Sorry for any inconveniences"
• 555pm- I love Christmas but the movies for it are about stupid. Watching a Hallmark movie with Mama.
• 556pm- Bryn's awake.
• 557pm- I think it's really gross that she pees inside me. She also swallows the amniotic fluid... which means she's swallowing her urine. Babies are gross, like fish.
• 558pm- Out of 10 of my nails only 3 are "long". I look trashy. Where are the fingernail clippers?
• 559pm- Toes are warm, foot no longer itches. I scratched it somewhere between 555-557pm and crossed my legs so my toes are covered.... ya know, for those of you who were concerned.
• 600pm- Which also equals 1800.
  
• 601pm- I'm done. :)

OK, even more props to her. I don't know how she went for 24 hours. :)

PBT :)

I'll start off with saying I never, ever wanted a child. I didn't even like kids. It wasn't due to lack of being around kids since my mom was a babysitter. Babies were cute at a distance. I avoided them using excuses like, "I don't like to hold them when they're that little" or "I'm sick/getting over a sickness". The actual truth is that I didn't want to smell their dirty diaper, didn't want to be spit up on and they always cried when I held them because they could sense how nervous/uninterested I was. Toddlers were cute. They said cute things, it was funny to watch them walk, etc. They were probably my favorite because they were too busy entertaining themselves and learning the world around them that they weren't impressed with me. I didn't have to entertain or hold them. Once they got to where they wanted me to play with them they annoyed me. I couldn't bring myself to play along with their games and use my imagination to bring the dolls to life. Well, I just didn't want to. Older than 3 or 4 and I was totally over it. They're annoying and I didn't want to be around them. There isn't enough Xanax in the world. You see the trend... couldn't stand kids and I certainly didn't want my own.

Along came PBT :). He was my ex fiance's little boy. Whether it was the love I had for Corey or the fact that I was growing up but meeting PBT was one of the more important days of my life. I was scared. I haven't been that nervous in my LIFE. What if he didn't like me? What if I made him cry? Worse, what if I didn't like HIM? You can't very well date someone whose child doesn't like you or you like the child. Ah, I remember the very first time I met PBT. He was 13 months old and it was around 930pm. I had just gotten off work and when I walked into Corey's room my stomach was in knots. I smiled at Corey but I was more interested in PB. He was laying in Corey's bed with his bottle. Corey said he was probably asleep but I just wanted to look at him. I walked over to the bed and PB was still awake. We stared at each other for about 5 seconds and I said, "Hey little guy" and he smiled at me. Since his eyes were open I figured it wouldn't hurt to see if he'd let me pick him up (didn't even ask Corey if he'd mind because I didn't care if he did or not, I was picking that child up). I know now that he probably let me pick him up because he didn't want to be in bed in the first place but I choose to think it's because he liked me in that instant. I walked over to Corey's couch with him and sat down. He looked over at Corey who smiled at him and then (like any child) he climbed out of my lap because sitting was the last thing on his mind when he spotted Corey hadn't cleaned up his toys. I looked over at Corey and said, "Wonder if he'll like me?" to which Corey responded with, "If he gives you a toy, he likes you". Less than a minute later that beautiful baby handed me his toy and smiled. I fell in love with him right then.

Over the next few months that baby (toddler) stole my heart. It wasn't annoying to play with him, I didn't avoid interacting with him, I hated when he was sick and would wish it was me instead of him. Everything I used to think about children faded away with his little smile. Just watching him learn, do and figure things out was the highlight of any of my days. Everything PB did was the greatest thing ever and I missed him so bad when it wasn't Corey's weekend with him. We would make little videos of him to watch when he was with his mother and she'd send us videos of him that we'd save to our phones. It was a way of having him with us when he wasn't there. It seemed like he got bigger every week and his mom would tell us something new to be expecting when we had him. My stomach would hurt from laughing at him. When I realized that sweet child was growing more independent I found myself wanting a baby. Corey and I became engaged in January. We discussed babies and decided it'd be best for me to be through with school before another kid happened. Until then I was perfectly content watching milestones in PB's life.

Not everything has a fairy tale ending. Corey and I split up due to differences and I watch PB grow up in a family member's pictures. He's such a beautiful little boy and I still love him like he was mine and pray for him daily. It was a short amount of time for God to bless my life with that beautiful little boy (and for his parents to share him with me) but I know He did it for a reason... and that was to prepare me for my own.

Nobody told me this....

Nobody warned me about all the unpleasantries of pregnancy. Granted, I wasn't planning my pregnancy so that someone COULD warn me but still... my mom should have given me a warning at some point in time.

1. No caffeine... or very little. I know some people don't cut that out but I cut it out all together until the second trimester and now I only drink sweet tea since it has less caffeine. Why should I have been warned of this? Because I developed a coffee product addiction about a month prior to becoming pregnant. I'm sure if I was able to quit that "cold turkey" then all these people with smoking problems should be able to quit too.
2. Ligament pains. No-freakin-body told me I was going to feel like I was being stabbed in my lower abdomen when I was pregnant. It would have been nice to know about that. I thought surely my child had somehow gotten a knife and was carving tally marks into the wall to count down how many days it had left in my uterus.
3. Goodbye size 4, hello anything that stretches. Granted, I have yet to break down and buy maternity pants but I am so close to it that I'm not amused. So to assist in my denial stage I have been living in lounge pants. I love Old Navy's lounge pants though. They've assisted me in pretending as though my beautiful size 4's aren't cutting off circulation from my hips down.
   
4. The people who make maternity shirts are sure proud that they're maternity. They flow away and scream "maternity!!". I have some maternity shirts but I have been buying size medium shirts and they're working fine... for now. Dear 'ole Dad was home when I was opening my mail from Victoria's Secret last month and said, "I didn't know Victoria's Secret made maternity clothes." If looks could kill he'd be dead.
5. Sleeping on your stomach slowly becomes impossible. I sleep on my stomach or my right side. It feels like I have a rock or something under me when I'm laying on my stomach and when I roll to my right side I feel like my insides are all going to fall to the right. Weird, I can sleep on my left side.
   
6. Your belly button pokes out. Mine hasn't made it's way to being fully poked out but it's getting shallower by the day. This has been the most mind boggling part of this experience for me. My entire body is out of whack, why does my belly button have to make this difficult too? I never paid any attention to it prior to being pregnant but now it's the first thing I look at when I change shirts/shower.
7. Weight. You are NOT eating for two. You are eating for yourself... plus 300 extra calories a day. If you eat for two prepare to start looking like you swallowed another person. This is huge to me because I was so conscious about my weight prior to becoming pregnant. The fact that I have to gain around 30 lbs during this pregnancy freaked me out in the beginning but now that I feel my child move around I try to make sure she's getting the extra nutrients she needs to grow.
8. Antibiotics are a "no-go". Do not get sick. Avoid it like a plague (no pun intended). Nobody informed me that I would have to rely on my immune system to fight off a virus. I had a virus for a week and a half. Antibiotics would have kicked it out in 3-5 days. Better pray your immune system isn't a weakling like mine apparently is.

I'll stop at 8 things. You might start to get the idea that I am uninterested with being pregnant. I can list a lot of things I'm thankful for now that I am pregnant. This baby is someone I never knew that I wanted. I loooove that I can feel her moving. It's weird if you really think about it, but don't think. It's amazing that she's my own personal baby right now since she's still in womb. She'll be my own personal baby when she's out of the womb too but I'll have to share her more than I do now :)

It gets under my skin-

Either things bother me easily or this pregnancy is making me less tolerable of people.

1. Do not volunteer your time if it means you're volunteering someone else's time too. They may not want their time volunteered.
   
2. I have discovered that I have what I will call "woe is me" friends. They only want you when it benefits them. Hey, how about we not be friends? That works ideally for both of us.
3. Those wonderful people who insist on singing along with a song when it comes on the radio. I don't care if you take voice lessons, if I want to hear you I'll buy tickets to your concert. Oh, you're not on tour? Then shut up.
4. People playing music loudly. It's totally disrespectful to everyone else in the room who might not care to listen to your music.
5. People with their TV's up as high as they will go (I'm calling out my father and sister on this one). If I'm in my room and have to shut the door to hear my TV then yours is up tooooo loud. They're both going deaf and loud TV's are probably a contributing factor.
6. Someone telling another person how to raise their child (what rules they should instill, disciplinary actions, etc).
7. Talking to your child, or any child in general, like they are idiots. That baby talk is not conducive, I promise.
8. Leggings are not a substitution for pants. If you're wearing a longer top (tunics) then by all means throw on some leggings. However, if your ENTIRE butt (including the cheek line) is not going to be covered by the top you have on then DO NOT wear the leggings.
9. Asking for advice and then getting pissed when someone gives it to you. If you don't want my opinion or could possibly get mad about it then skip over asking me. I don't apologize and I won't care that you get mad.
   
10. Lovers on Facebook. You're in love... wonderful. It's not necessary to post 3+ times per day that you love/miss them on their wall OR my personal favorite- making derogatory remarks that you think are subtle but they're not.
    
11. People putting me down. Believe me folks, I am more than capable of putting my mind to something and succeeding at it. Treat me/talk to me like I am incompetent and I'll probably limit my interactions with you.

I'm going to assume it's a mixture of pregnancy hormones and my tolerance level as to why these things get under my skin. No matter why, people just get on my nerves.

Let me elaborate...

I was unaware that so many people paid attention to what I say. Wow, I feel special.

My favorite reaction is people seeing my baby mountain (belly) and reaching to rub it. In mid-reach they stop and say, "Oh sorry, I know you don't like that". I really crack up. Thanks for the amusement.

BUT I did not mean that I would go hormonal, crazy, pregnant lady if you touched me.

I have a slight germ phobia. As you reach for my belly (even though you're only touching my shirt) my mind races wondering where your hands have been. Did they wash their hands when they used the restroom? Did they sneeze into that hand? Did they wipe their runny nose with that hand, pop a pimple, scratch their rear? Worse- did they pick their nose?

If I KNOW you (not just the occasional WalMart reunion) there is less likely of a chance that I worry about any of that (other than washing hands after the potty, I am a Nazi at my house about that).

So, rest assure that I do not have some force field around me that will repel your hand as you reach for my belly. Just know that I'm sizing you up to see if you wash your hands.

Santa, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy... oh my.

I'm debating on whether I'll tell my child about these characters...

Santa.
I'm supposed to tell my daughter that if she sees some man sneaking into our house at night that it's ok because he's bringing presents? She better scream because that's called breaking and entering and that, boys and girls, is not ok.

Not only is he breaking and entering but he's fat. I do not want her to be identifying people by that trait. Yes, let's introduce her to fat and skinny while she's in her developmental stage. I can see myself being called to the school because she's picking fun at the fat kid. Hey, it'd be my fault and I don't want detention.

The Easter Bunny.
I don't see the need in scaring the life out of her when I take her to go have her picture made with this larger than life bunny at the local mall. They're supposed to be cute and cuddly, not anthropomorphic (personification if you may; taking something not human and giving it human characteristics... that's your vocab lesson today folks). If she starts talking to all the little animals I'll have to bring her to the realization that she is not Dr. Dolittle and that could be very traumatic to her little life.

The tooth fairy.
I'm supposed to reward my child for her teeth falling out? If I instill that in her she might wait for her permanent teeth to come in and think it's ok for those to fall out too. Upon noticing they aren't loosening up she might loosen and pull them out. Homegirl isn't being born to a rich mama... she'll be toothless and it's all because I let her believe in the tooth fairy.


That's what I think. My mom seems to think it's good to give a kid something like the above traditions to believe in. My personal jury is still out on this...